My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
