If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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