she woke up with a sticky ear
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
