I'm so fucking centered right now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
