awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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