I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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