hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
