She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize