i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
