You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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