my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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