So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
