You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
