M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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