Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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