you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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