soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
