they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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