i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize