the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
