the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
