If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can I color on your dick again?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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