the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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