And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
