The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
