Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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