R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
