Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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