And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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