The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
