one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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