I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
