I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
