Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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