Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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