I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
