Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
