I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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