she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you made out with another girl for some wings
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
