i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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