speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm at about main and main street
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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