my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
