I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
