I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
