At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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