But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
