Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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