"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
