It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
