That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think your dad took our porno
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
