If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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