no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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