should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
