this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
