i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize