Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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