Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
