Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
