once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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