Don't make out with my wife yet
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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