totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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